I Just Want to Be Held: The Psychology of Feeling Loved & Safe

💭 “I Just Want to Be Held…”

The Psychology of Feeling Loved, Triggered & Human

She stood in the kitchen in her silk robe, leftover mascara beneath her eyes, barefoot, holding a spoon over a pot of soup she hadn’t even tasted. Her phone buzzed again. A short text:

“I think I got it from someone at work. Jen.”

Her stomach dropped.

She didn’t know why her mind reacted so quickly.
It wasn’t proof. It wasn’t betrayal. It was just… a name.
A name tied to a feeling she couldn’t fully explain—an old flicker of discomfort she had never wanted to examine too closely.

Her hands shook as she put the phone down.
She wasn’t mad.
She wasn’t even sure she was hurt.
She just suddenly felt…small.
Unlovable. Forgotten. Replaceable.
Like maybe she was the only one still trying.

And then the questions came rushing in—hot and fast:

“Am I overreacting?”
“Why do I feel this way?”
“Do I have a right to ask?”
“Shouldn’t I be more evolved than this?”
“Why do I suddenly feel so…alone?”

This is the spiral.

And it’s not weakness—it’s wiring.

You’re not crazy.
You’re not dramatic.
You’re not broken.

You’re a human being whose nervous system remembers what your heart worked so hard to forget.

🧠 The Psychology of the Spiral

When we feel emotionally unsafe—even subtly—our limbic brain kicks into survival mode.
That’s the part of the brain that stores emotional memory—especially from childhood, past relationships, and trauma.

And it’s FAST.
Faster than logic. Faster than reason.
Before you even think, you feel.

That feeling might whisper:

“He doesn’t love me.”
“I’m not enough.”
“I’m too much.”
“Something bad is happening.”

Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “flipping your lid.”
Your prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that helps regulate emotions—gets overridden by the fight-flight-freeze response.

You spiral.
Not because you’re weak.
But because your body is trying to protect you from a familiar pain.

🔐 Attachment Styles & the Need to Feel Safe

Our emotional responses in relationships are often tied to our attachment styles, shaped in early childhood but expressed in adult love.

• Those with anxious attachment might crave more reassurance, especially in moments of distance, conflict, or illness.

• Those with secure attachment may still feel unsettled when routines shift or intimacy is disrupted—like when a partner is sick or emotionally distant.

• Even avoidant individuals—often self-reliant—are wired for connection, even if they don’t always express it.

Recognizing your patterns helps you move from reaction to reflection—and that’s where real growth happens.

You are not “too sensitive.”
You are self-aware.

You’re not “needy.”
You’re a human wired for intimacy and belonging.

✨ The Healing Power of Touch: Why “Being Held” Matters So Much

Have you ever noticed how much better you feel after a warm hug? A hand on your back? Someone holding you close and whispering, “You’re okay”?

That’s not weakness.
That’s biology.
We are hardwired for touch.

From the moment we’re born, touch is our first language of love.
It soothes. It regulates. It tells the nervous system: You are safe.

Scientific research shows that physical touch:

• Reduces cortisol (the stress hormone)

• Increases oxytocin (the bonding/love hormone)

• Regulates heart rate and blood pressure

• Lowers anxiety and depression

• Enhances immune function

So when you’re deprived of physical closeness—especially if that’s your love language—you may feel anxious, ungrounded, or emotionally starved.
It doesn’t mean you’re clingy. It means you’re wired to connect.

🫂 When You’re Not Being Held—How to Comfort Yourself

Sometimes the people we love are unavailable.
They’re sick. They’re overwhelmed. They’re navigating their own spiral.

That’s when we must learn to hold ourselves—not as a replacement for love, but as an anchor until love returns.

Here’s how to self-soothe through touch:

✋ Place your hand on your heart or cheek.

This releases oxytocin and mimics the calming effects of human connection.

🧖‍♀️ Wrap yourself in warmth.

A robe, weighted blanket, hot water bottle—soft textures remind your body it’s held.

🧘‍♀️ Breathe deep into your belly.

Long exhalations calm your nervous system and reduce panic or tension.

💬 Speak out loud to yourself:

“I am loved.”
“I am safe right now.”
“It’s okay to crave closeness.”
“My feelings make sense.”

🔥 Engage your senses:

• Take a hot shower or bath.

• Light a candle.

• Put on cozy clothes.

• Massage lotion into your skin slowly.

• Play music that makes you feel held.

These small acts of sacred touch signal your system:

“You’re not alone. I’ve got you.”

🧘‍♀️ Journal Prompt for the Tender Moments

When you feel the need to be cherished, held, or reassured—try writing:

“What do I truly need right now, and how can I offer that to myself in this moment?”
or
“How would I speak to my inner child if she came to me feeling this way?”

This kind of self-inquiry turns spiraling thoughts into sacred awareness.

💞 From Spiral to Sacred Awareness

You’re not “too emotional.”
You’re not being dramatic.
You’re human.
And you’re healing.

You’re simply a soul that longs to feel safe.
To feel chosen.
To feel like you matter—without having to ask.

But here’s the truth:
You do matter.
Even in the mess. Even in the robe. Even in the questions.

💗 And Then I Stopped.

I stopped spiraling.
I stopped letting fear run the show.

I looked around—at my life, my business, my dreams, my relationship—and I remembered:

✨ I am safe.
✨ I am loved.
✨ I am becoming.

I may not always feel “held” in the way I crave…
But I can hold me.

I can speak my truth with grace.
I can ask for what I need without guilt.
I can let love in—without abandoning myself.

If You’re Spiraling Right Now...

Pause.
Breathe.
Place your hand over your heart.
And say:

“I may feel fragile, but I am not broken.”
“I may feel scared, but I am still worthy.”
“I may want to be held—but I can hold me, too.”

You deserve to feel cherished.
Not just when you’re radiant and thriving—
But even when you’re crying in the kitchen, soup on the stove, phone in your hand, trying to hold it all together.

You are not crazy.
You are not too much.
You are not overreacting.

You are healing.
And you’re doing a damn good job. 💕